A Look Inside

I looked back on my life over the past several years tonight and realized I have changed. I am not liking all the changes though and am really going to pray that God would help me to improve. I have asked Mary to aid me in this, because I am sure she sees my plight. I want to be more kind to those around me and be less judgmental. I sometimes get soooo frustrated with myself, but that comes with my personality :-) Something I need to remember that a friend reminded me of is that God is patient with me so I need to be patient with myself. Ok, time for bed!

Vacation

I have been on break since the 14th of December and don't go back until January 14th. I am ready to go stir crazy! I like to be busy and have lots to do so this isn't sitting well with me. Monday I am calling about a job, so hopefully I will be able to work a little bit for the remainder of my time home. Tomorrow I am planning on going to Columbus to look around and do some grocery shopping. I really need to get out and meet new people. I must face my fears.

Sugar

I have recently realized just how bad sugar and white flour are for you. Sugar in small quantities is fine, but usually we have it everyday. I am going to cut both from my diet and see how I feel. I had planned on not eating dessert for Lent, but figured starting a few weeks early couldn't hurt. Eating at Marian like this will be difficult, but I dropped my meal plan down to 10 per week. So I can take that extra money and buy more food each week. I also need to become inventive with the microwave :-)

I wonder...

Some of you know that my memory has been really bad ever since I started school this past fall. This not so good memory of mine has me sometimes e-mailing a person 2 or 3 different times because I keep forgetting something that I was either going to ask or say. So this leads me to wonder if people take this the wrong way. Like "I think she is psycho and needs a life." I will be talking to someone and they will toss in a comment and whatever I was going to say next is *poof* gone. This is so aggravating for me, but I wonder if this is bugging others.

I am also extremely tired right now. I spent many hours cleaning tonight to get the house ready for Christmas Eve tomorrow. I shampooed the carpet in 2 rooms, ran the sweeper, wiped down the kitchen cabinets, cleaned off the washer and dryer (huge task!), 2-3 loads of laundry, 1 load of dishes, baked a batch of cookies, and then hauled the trash out to the road. Time for me to see the back of my eyelids.

This new life.

I am not accustomed to the college schedule. I have been tired ever since I got home from school, and am sooo not motivated to do much. Today I overslept by 2 hours! I never sleep that late and this week I have done it to some degree every morning. I need to start exercising again because that always helps to make me feel better and to motivate me.

Take a deep breath...

I have so much to do tomorrow that it's not even funny. I have to get up early and start packing for Florida and I have a doctors appointment in the afternoon. Then at 3 p.m. I have my last final exam! I hope I am prepared for it, but I can't worry about it now because that will only make it worse. I also have a list of errands I have to run because I couldn't squeeze them in today. In the evening I am going over to a friends house to do some baking and that will be the end of my day. I also have to pack for my month that I will be home. They lock up the dorms and don't let anyone in which is silly to me, but I don't make the rules. What about people who live on the other side of the country?? Anyway, I fly out Friday morning and I am soooo excited! I checked the weather and it's supposed to rain while I am there and I am praying that God will have mercy on me and not let it rain the entire time. I have had it with rain, and so hasn't my poor African Violet. She is actually starting to die because she hasn't had enough sunlight here recently. Sad. Ok, time for bed. I hope everyone has a great weekend :-)

Holy Drinking Water?!?

Sometimes I wonder what will happen to our world. I ran across this article this morning about Wayne Enterprises in California. They are manufacturing holy drinking water. It is blessed by an Anglican or Catholic priest prior to shipment. Can you believe it?! I know I couldn't. The link is below so take a look!

http://www.newsweek.com/id/74380?GT1=10645

Almost

I am almost finished with my last paper of the semester and these last 2 pages are taking a lifetime! I wish writing came easily, but it just doesn't. Some people have the ability to write a 5 or so page paper in a matter of hours while it takes me 5 days. The weather is also not helping me out. I have always been really affected by rain and gray clouds, and that happens to be what we have been looking at for several days. I need sunshine!! Florida can't come soon enough :-) Ok, enough of that. Time to get this paper done!

Faithfulness

God is so faithful and merciful. I had the privilege of reading A Moment of Weakness by Karen Kingsbury today and God used it show me my weakness. I can remember 2 years ago being so strong in my faith and always trusting in Gods plan no matter what. Through a series of events I started not trusting Him. It wasn't until a few days ago that I realized the full extent of it. I want to have a faith and a trust in God that wasn't like what it used to be, but something even stronger! I want to look to the future with hope and joy instead of with fear and dread. When doubtful thoughts come I want to hear the Holy Spirits voice over everything else. God takes me as I am, and with His help I want Him to mold me into a woman of God that is overflowing with trust in her Savior.

Rest

Tonight on my way to bed I ran across a wonderful Psalm and wanted to share it. God is so good and we shouldn't forget that!

Psalm 63
O God, you are my God--
for you I long!
For you my body yearns;
for you my soul thirsts,
Like a land parched, lifeless,
and without water.
So I look to you in the sanctuary
to see your power and glory.
For your love is better than life,
my lips offer you worship!

I will bless you as long as I live;
I will lift up my hands, calling on your
name.
My soul shall savor the rich banquet of
praise,
with joyous lips my mouth shall honor
you!
When I think of you upon my bed,
through the night watches I will recall
That you indeed are my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I
shout for joy.
My soul clings fast to you;
Your right hand upholds me.

But those who seek my life will come to
ruin;
they shall go down to the depths of
the earth!
They shall be handed over to the sword
and become the prey of jackals!
But the king shall rejoice in God;
all who swear by the Lord shall exult,
for the mouths of liars will be shut!

Life is full

I have been rather busy the past 2 weeks. Jared had surgery on the 26th and came through like a trooper! I have never been more proud of him. What he has been through would make a grown man cry. I came back to school late Tuesday night so I missed 2 days of classes, but it couldn't be helped. I have pretty much everything caught up as far as homework goes. I am hoping to finish a paper tonight so I can cross that off my to do list. Only one more week of classes! I can't believe how fast this semester went by. My last week of school is devoted to exams and I only have 2. One on Monday and one on Thursday. So I am going to be bored that week.
I am also really excited for the 14th of December to arrive. I am flying to Florida for 3 days and I can't wait!! Warm weather here I come. I am going down to check out Ave Maria University and to meet a friend of mine. After the trip I will post more info about this friend :-)
I am also really excited about Christmas and am looking forward to that. Thankfully I have almost all my shopping done. I only have a few more people to buy for. I think that's everything I wanted to mention. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Thanksgiving

Oh my. I am so full... I got dinner on the table today for our lunch. We had turkey, stuffing, corn, rolls, cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes, gravy, and 3 different kinds of desserts. For dinner over at my aunts house we had turkey, mashed potatoes, dressing, relish tray, beets, macaroni & cheese, sweet potatoes, green beans, homemade bread, gravy, and 5 different desserts! We have never had so much food. We could have fed a small army with the amount we had today. We also had a bottle of Oliver Soft Red Wine. Which is very good! My grandma was in her usual form tonight, pounding her fist on the table whenever you said she was wrong about something. No blood was shed, so overall it was a fairly successful Thanksgiving :-)

Major Dilemma

Literally! I have always enjoyed working with children. I came to Marian to pursue a degree in El Ed. with a focus on religion. There is one problem. My exposure to other options is making me wonder if I am in the right program. I have thoroughly enjoyed my philosophy class (he incorporated political theory) and I liked the professor so much that I am taking another course with him next semester on politics. I have always enjoyed this arena and tend to get a little passionate about it. My professor has also asked me for the second time if Political Science is my major. So this leads one to wonder. I would appreciate any thoughts from those of you who are close to me.

It's almost time!

For break that is! I am so excited about having some time off that I almost can't contain myself. When I come back we will have 2 weeks of school left and then we are done! I can't believe how fast this semester went by. I blinked and before I knew we were at the end. The past 2 weeks I haven't had anything big due so I have been on the bored side, and I don't care saying that. So last week I read 2 books and now I am on my third one, and yesterday Ruth and I went shopping at the outlets. Her son also went with us and he was an angel the whole day! We found some great deals and had a lot of fun. We are true bargain shoppers!

I am also really looking forward to the holidays! Last year was rough family wise, but this year I am really going to pray that we would all be thankful for each other and thankful for the time we get to spend with one another. Another reason I am looking forward to this time of year is that Lent is getting closer. I love this season for many reasons, but the biggest one is because that's when I converted. So it will always hold a special place in my heart.

Busy Busy Busy

Sorry for the silence, but as the title says I have been busy :-) I had a big paper and project due this past week and this week I have 2 more papers due. So that is what I am working on now. Actually the one I am working on is for philosophy and it's on Law and Freedom. So something I am actually looking forward too! That makes all the difference when I write. Ok, time to get back to the grind.

Productive

That is what today was. I actually returned something that has been sitting here for over a month that I just haven't done. You know how that goes. I have almost all of my paper done. All I need to do is write the abstract, the conclusion, and then tweak it. My best friend Ruthie is an English major and I asked her to look over it. I got all my laundry done, finished up some other homework, and finished my novel! Now I just need to wait another year for the second one to come out. So I really can't complain about today. Next week I have to write another paper, finish up a project that's due wed., and something else I am forgetting. Oh over the weekend I have to write yet another paper. I swear that's all Marion is. Papers and reading.

MCHD

The health department here in Marion County has my thanks! They have a doctors office that serves people under 26 years old, and you are able to go there for pretty much anything. It only costs $10!! This covers labs and most other tests as well. I couldn't believe it. I was so appreciative to them and the doctor that saw me was wonderful. It was the best doctors visit of my life if you can believe it. She cared about the whole person and really wanted to get to know me. She was with me for about an hour! Can you believe it? I sure couldn't. How about I ask everyone to share a doctors visit story. It can be funny, scary, etc...whatever you want to share. This could be amusing :-)

This Stinks :-(

Being on your own is the worst thing in the world when you are sick. Yesterday I thought it was a fluke thing, maybe something I ate, and this morning is telling me no. I have a bug of some kind. The one way I can tell is when I want chicken noodle soup and ginger ale. I never want ginger ale when I am not sick. So in order to have those things that bring comfort I have to go out and get them. Which is where the being on your own stinks comes in. Back home someone else would be more than willing to get it for me and vis versa. It's just something you do for family. Well I am going to go work on my paper and hopefully muster up the energy to go to the store.

Everyone say it with me...

Kristin is stressed! But what's new right? Lol. I have 3 papers, a project, and an exam all within the next 2 weeks. That doesn't include the reading and journals that are due every week. Oh and trying to have a life outside of school. Can't forget that! Marian is not big on homework, but they love papers and they are always due the same week as everyone else. I swear they must plot this before the semester starts. I invited my parents down on Nov. 4th to visit because the next time I will be able to get home will be for Thanksgiving. Yay!! I love the holidays and can't wait. I particularly love Lent because Easter follows, and Easter will always be so special. Although, I am not looking forward to the cold weather. One more thing I need to ask before going is does everyone drink coffee that reads my blog? If not you are really missing out! I am sitting here thoroughly enjoying my cup :-) I wish I was a morning person and could wake up really early so I could take my good old sweet time drinking it.

I need ideas for new titles.

I am running out of titles for my posts! Lol. Well so far I am doing well here at Marian. My grades are great which is a huge relief! I have 1 A that I know of maybe 2 and 1 B which happens to be in my science class. Now that was something I was really really stressed about. It is only by the grace of God that I am doing so well. I am realizing I can do nothing on my own. I want to become totally dependent on God for everything. I have really struggled recently spiritually and with the prayers and encouragement of close friends I am much better. Ok, I am going to go now. I need to get some sleep!

Christmas Song

I have been listening to a radio station that is playing nothing but Christmas music for 93 days. This morning a song came on that I have heard many times and never gave much thought to it. I am not sure if it's the title or just a line in the song but it says "I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus last night." If you think about it that's terrible, because the child has no clue it's his father! So he is going to think that he saw his mommy kissing someone other than his dad when really he didn't. Interesting.

Fall Break

Well this weekend has been a busy one. One of my best friends flew in for 3 days and she leaves early Tuesday morning. We so far have gone to Ohio to visit the family, gone out to dinner, and hung out with Ruthie. Lots of driving has gone on! I am not sure what's on the agenda for tomorrow.
Last night we went to my old church for a worship/prayer thing they were having, and it was really good. I, for the first time in a while, talked to God. I think I have realized that in all the hurt I have experienced I didn't know I was mad at Him. So I am trying to deal with that, and it was nice to talk openly with Him. I feel like I have so much to work on and I am trying to not get discouraged. I need to deal with one thing at a time, but it's hard right now. I will write more later, but I should be going to bed. God bless...

It's Soo Cold!

I don't think I am going to survive this winter. It's 56 degrees outside and I am aching I am so cold! I went the whole summer wearing sweaters if that gives you any idea :-) It's rather funny because people think I want to hide myself, and that is not the case. I am just frozen most of the time. I need to go out and invest in some heavier sweaters and cardigans.

Fresh Air!!!

Those of you who know me know how much I love fresh air! I am not accustomed to air conditioning, so when I got to campus and found out my room had a unit I thought I could live with it. I was sooo wrong! The past week and half I begged maintenance to take it out and a gentlemen came out this afternoon and removed it :-) Yay! I was so motivated by the fresh air that I attacked my room. I cleaned, took out my trash, and moved my furniture around for the 3rd time. It is so bright and fresh in here that I am starting to like my room. For me to like a space I have to make it my own. It has to be me or I dread being there. Well I guess I should go to work and be bored. Tuesday nights are uneventful in the library.

Men

I realized tonight that I am mad at the world. Particularly men. I feel like I can't go into great detail, but I am rather frustrated with 2 that are in my life. Oh how I wish I could express exactly how I feel right now. But I will spare everyone from having to read it.

Life

Life is going well. I am in the middle of mid-terms right now, which is exciting. I can't believe we are half way through the semester. I am home for the weekend right now, and will be heading back to Indy tonight. It's been a good weekend. I had a wedding to go to last night, and today I have my parish picnic. So it's been full, but good :-) Next weekend one of my best friends is flying in for fall break!! I haven't seen her in 2 years, which is way too long. I will try to write more in the future now that I am a bit more settled.

Crazy Day

Wednesday is my crazy day. It is about to begin once I finish my coffee. It can't start before that! I have class from 9 a.m. - noon, 1 p.m. - 2 p.m., work from 2 p.m. - 5 p.m., and class again from 6 p.m. - 9 p.m.. I also am about caught up on my homework. I am actually ahead in one class. My goal this week is to get ahead in every class that way my weekends are a little less stressful and more open. I am accustomed to having those free. I do have a midterm this week, and the professor keeps saying how she will have us so prepared. Well none of us feel this way. She has lectured a few times, and she is all over the board. I also have a paper due next week. I will be spending this weekend starting it, and Monday and Tuesday finishing it up. Next Friday I have a huge rock test in science, and this is not an easy one! There are fifty rocks and we have to be able to identify them by name as well as the chemical makeup of each one. I was smart and got a tutor in this class. Most people don't do well and I don't want to be in that statistic. Ok, time to go.

Strange

I wrote this long post the other day and it is no where to be found. I just noticed that it wasn't there. Strange. Anyway, I finally found my parish for while I'm here at Marian. Yay! I will be attending a Tridentine Mass. It was beautiful and I fell in love with it. It is longer than the Mass everyone is used to, about two hours. The congregation is a good mixture of young and old. I also think I have finally gotten out of my funk when it comes to a schedule. I have now exercised 3 times in the past 4 days which is great! It is tough when you get out of the habit. I feel so much better when I take care of myself. So next to God that is the second most important thing in my life. When it's not I slack off. Sound terrible? I hope not. Well I am going to go now.

Sorry for the silence.

Life has been busy! As I am sure all of you can guess. School is picking up, and I started my work study. That is interesting, because they do not offer the kind of service that most public libraries do. You are really on your own in there. They don't even have a reference desk!! Can you believe it? I know I can't. I joined the club Humane Vitae that we have on campus. This Tuesday I am hopefully going to the pro-life dinner downtown with the group. They also go to D.C. in January for the March For Life. It is really cheap so I think I am going to go!
I still haven't found a church that I like. They all seem to be missing one thing that I am looking for. They are a gorgeous church but lifeless or a spiritually vibrant church but they are lacking in the decor department. I know looks aren't everything, but I went to St. Monica's this past week and it is the ugliest church on the inside! No decorations, white walls (you know how I feel about those!), and the altar was plain with no crucifix! Now the crucifix is an interesting story. I got in there, knelt down, and when I started to pray I looked up at the crucifix to see Jesus and He wasn't there! I said to myself "Jesus please help me to not get up and leave." What they do there is carry in the statue and place it on the cross for Mass, and then take it back down! Now why would you do that? Makes no sense to me! So I am torn about that place. I am going to keep looking and pray that God leads me to the right one.

Yay!

I received an e-mail today from the secretary of the education department here at school. A lady is looking for someone to watch her 3 girls in the evenings and on weekends. Well I jumped on the opportunity and called the women. She called me back within 10 or so minutes, would love to meet me, and is having me watch them Saturday night for about 5 hours or so. Yahoo! Thank you Jesus! She wouldn't have a set schedule for me, but when her and her husband go out she will call. From what I gather I think they go out quite a bit. The education department sends out a questionnaire asking if you are interested when these come up. I just filled mine in today and turned it in! God is good, and is looking out for me :-)

It's been nice.

I have to admit that it has been nice to be home. I love knowing I am safe wherever I go. For the most part anyway. I know where I am going as well which is really nice! I hate not knowing where anything is or having to write all my directions on a sticky note. I finally found somewhere to go walking/jogging, but it is 15 minutes away, so I won't be going there everyday. For the most part things are going well and I am adjusting. When I need a break from the city I will be coming home :-)

H.C.

I think I will be leaving the country if Hillary Clinton is elected president. Part of me doesn't think our country is ready to elect a female president and the other half of me sees the dire need for a reform in our countries health care system. Which makes me wonder if Americans would elect her for that reason alone. I recently read some books that came out on her, and to be honest, she is frightening. Her views and ideas (most of them) are so radical that I shudder. I would elaborate on this, but I don't have much time. Remember, these are my own personal views, so don't get bent out of shape if you are a fan of her. I will post more on this when I have time.

Ideas?

I have no idea what to post about. Any ideas?

Safety

A friend down the hall had a not so good encounter last night. She went down to this athletic field that is just a short walk from campus, and was approached and followed by this guy. He tried to corner her so she took off running back to campus and called the police. Turns out that this kind of thing happens frequently. That is such a comforting thought! Thankfully they are located on campus and told her to call them for an escort anytime she felt unsafe. The interesting thing is that I was in the same place, but in the morning, and it felt creepy so I left. I kept looking over my shoulder and figured that wasn't a good sign. I am looking forward to Labor Day when I can go home and get a break from the city life.

Funk

I am in such a funk today, and it is rather annoying. I have some of my homework done, but not all of it. I need to crack down after dinner, as well as tomorrow and get a lot of it done. I want to get ahead that way I don't feel so pressured. I don't do well under those circumstances. I also have a slight headache which doesn't help matters. I will try to write something a little more spiritual tonight.

Loneliness

Those of you who know me well, know that I struggle in this area. I love being at Marian, but I am sooo lonely. I eat pretty much every meal by myself, unless the girl down the hall and I happen to catch each other. Which has only happened 3 times. Then in class everyone pretty much has their own friends, so I feel like an outsider looking in. Make sense? People are nice and say hello, but trying to find your place isn't very easy. I am so shy that I won't approach people. I am self conscious and worry about what they will think of me. So I go find an empty table, eat, and go back to my room. The other strange thing is that no one on my floor, but 2 of us keep our doors open. Very strange. Usually people keep them open and visit. Not on this floor. Well enough of that.

Lab

I have Father Keffler for Earth Science, and I really like him. He is very upfront about what makes him happy and what doesn't make him happy. We had our first lab this morning at 8 a.m., which is way too early in my opinion, and it went well. We learned about the science processing skills. So we had to draw a bee from memory and then we got to take a plant and study it, write down our observations, and then someone in the class had to pick out our plant from what we wrote. Not rocket science, but it was fun. Then we got to work in groups and try to put together a puzzle in under 8 minutes. That was the record from the other classes this week. Father Keffler is 71 and doesn't look it at all! He cracked us up this morning when he told us why does roll call. The first reason is so that he knows who is there and who isn't, the second is so that he can learn our names, and the third is for those of us in the classroom who are interested in someone but have no clue what their name is. According to him we will have better luck getting a date if we know their name :-)

Open Mouth Insert Foot

This is what I did yesterday with a professor. I got back to my room after class and realized he misunderstood me. I do this sort of thing all the time, but never realize it until it is too late to fix it. Oh well.

Natural Sleep Aid.

Well, I have discovered a natural sleep aid. The next time you can't fall sleep you need to read Oedipus The King from the Greek Tragedies. Oh my word! I don't know how I am going to get through reading these. I have never liked Greek mythology let alone this! I just have to read it in small doses or else I will retain none of it. I officially have classes from 9 a.m. until 8:45 p.m. on Wednesdays. I have a little bit of time in the late afternoon before dinner, but it's not much. I am sooo tired and must go to bed. I think I might watch a bit of a movie to unwind. To all of my GCPL family that is reading my blog, please comment when you want to! I would love to hear from you :-)!

God, what were you thinking?

I am coming to the full realization that this first semester is going to kick my butt. So to speak. I keep stopping and asking God what He was thinking when He asked me to come here. I am going to enjoy the challenge, and I want to do well, but I also want to keep Him and His will first in my life. I don't want to be so absorbed in my grades that I quite leaning on Him. I just keep handing it over and remembering that He didn't bring me here for nothing. I will post more when I am not soooo tired :-)

Classes!

They start tomorrow at 8 a.m.. So far I am registered for English 101, Human Nature and Person, Freshmen Experience, Earth Science, and Introduction to Schools and Society. I might drop the Freshmen Experience, but we'll see. Everyone at Marian has to take Philosophy and Theology which is fine by me. I want to minor in Theology so hopefully next semester I can take a class. I have all the books bought but one, and it looks like I have no other choice but to buy it from the school bookstore. I have looked and looked online, and I am not finding anything promising. You wouldn't believe all the "kids" who went right in and bought everything from the bookstore. Not very smart if you ask me. Well time to go get ready for the day.

Church

I think I found the church where I am going this morning. I had attended it back when Ruth was pregnant, and we looked it up yesterday and found it. St. Luke's and it isn't far from me. About 10-15 minutes or so depending on traffic. Everything here depends on traffic. The priest gave a great homily when I visited and they have adoration 24 hours a day. Now I hope they have some activities or bible studies planned that I can get involved in. I went into the church yesterday to snag a bulletin, but they didn't have any laying out. Campus has Mass at 11 a.m., but I want to be active in a parish. I don't want to stay in a bubble.

Oh So Tired

I have not stopped running since Wednesday. Right now it is 12:07 a.m. and I am just now slowing down. I was supposed to be in a shared room, but I kind of walked in on my roommate and her boyfriend. I didn't think I would be comfortable living in that environment so I opted for the private room. It cost me a little more, but not much. So my room has a huge closet with lots of shelves, a desk, and a 3 drawer dresser. My parents came down this evening and they bought me a fridge and a microwave. Yay! Thank you mom and dad :-) Both will come in handy this weekend considering my meal plan doesn't kick in until Monday. So tonight after they left I was able to go buy milk and and a few other things to place in the fridge. I suggest trying the new Jello-O Pudding. It is sugar free and has banana and chocolate in it. Also only 60 calories! I will try to put some pictures up on here as soon as I have time and figure out how. Right now I seriously need sleep.

I Made It.

Well, I am here. Tomorrow is my big day when I will take my placement tests, register for classes, get my parking pass, buy books etc... I also got permission to move in early. So hopefully that will all be set up. I hope there are no bumps in the road with the dorm or anything. The are placing me in the upperclassman dorm because I am not a traditional student. Yahoo! I will write more tomorrow once I am settled.

Breathing

I have found that breathing is a good thing. I had a wave of terror come over me when I figured out how much my school loans will end up costing me for this year alone. I have never been so scared in my entire life. God must a great sense of humor to put all of this on me. The funny thing is though, that I don't have to "carry" it. I just need to give up and give it over. I have a feeling that my going back to school has nothing to do with school, and all to do with my walk with Christ. I know I am a determined person, and all I want is what God wills, so in the end I know I will be ok, but you can't help but be terrified. I really want to go and lock myself up with God and talk with Him. I want to unload all of this and finally have peace. I have a tiny amount buried in my heart, but I want it to be overflowing. I would appreciate any encouragement right now from those close to me!!

Transition Time

I don't even know where to begin. I have about 3 posts that I want to write tonight, but we'll see how far I get. Tomorrow I am leaving the job and co-workers I love and going back to school. I had a huge wave of doubt hit me a minute ago, and I can't help but worry about this choice. It is so unknown and I have no idea what to expect. Everyone keeps telling me that I will do fine and that it will be fun, but can't I grieve? I feel like several people expect me to move right along and experience no pain in what I am doing. I really think this is a test of my faith and I really hope I pass. The unknown use to be exciting, but not anymore. Sorry to ramble...

My Opinion

There are several things that I want to write about on here, but I worry about what people might think. I don't want to upset anyone, but then again isn't this a way to express myslef? There is one worry that I have always had and I am ready to toss it right out the window. Finding my future husband. I have always been so concerned with this, that I miss out on the enjoyment of the "ride" so to speak. Dating in my opinion is not fun. I mean it can be enjoyable, but it is not my cup of tea. I will expand more on this when I am not so sleepy...

Thinking

I have been trying to think of something to write for most of the evening, and finally I had an idea! Suffering. I know that is everyones favorite topic (j/k), but there is so much of it in the world. I don't just mean famine and war, but suffering that we endure everyday. Whether you have a chronic illness or a troubled marriage. God cares about all the little things that we think He has no interest in. He wants us to bring all of it to Him. The one key thing that a lot of people forget to do, is to offer our suffering up to God. It is never in vain. When I have a splitting headache I need to remember to say "Lord, I offer this pain up to you, and please help me to grow because of this." Something that simple can change your entire attitude about what you are going through! It is never fun to grow through anything that is uncomfortable or difficult, but think how much you can grow if you would let God teach you through your pain.

My Will

I am really trying to submit myself to Christ's will for my life. It is so hard for me to give everything over and trust that it's going to be ok. I want control at all times, so I feel like a two year old that is doing what their parent wants, but I am throwing a tantrum in the process. A good friend was very encouraging last night while I sobbed into the phone. I wonder how many times I am going to have to be reminded of God's goodness, love, mercy, kindness, etc... You get the point. What got the ball rolling was his post on justification. The Catholic view is amazing and really makes sense if you stop and think about it. If you want to read that go to www.catholicwit.blogspot.com
I am am going to spend time with God today, and ask His forgiveness for my lack of faith. Do you have a lack of faith?

Ahhh

That is how I am feeling right now! I am sorry for all the not so cheerful posts, but once things settle down in my life I can start doing that. I am also beginning to wonder how many people read my blog. I am thoroughly enjoying this, which I didn't think I would. I am so ready for my life to settle down. I was telling a good friend last night that the past 2 years of my life have been one big thing after another. Lots of life changes which equals lots of stress! I pray that I am moving into a season where I can rest, and maybe learn to not worry so much. I want to excel while I am in school and "begin" my life so to speak. Does that make sense?

Being Broken

Being broken is never a fun thing to go through. I think back on times in my life when I have been utterly shattered, and you have to wonder how God is going to do anything with the pieces. Here is something that I wrote last fall and it is about my being broken. I am no poet, but the words came easily.

So confused, so lost, so broken.
I no longer know which way to turn.
Or what God wants.
My heart is bleeding, but I don't know how to stop it.
How do you heal a wound that no one can see?
How do you mend a heart that is shattered?
How do you move when you can't see anything?

Worry

For the first time tonight I realized that my worry effects those around me. When did I become so susceptible to worry and anxiety? When did I stop trusting God with my life? I have always said that I trusted God, but when did it slip out the back door? I have no safety nets right now in my life, and that is terrifying, but it wouldn't be if I was trusting him. Thank heavens He loves us and is always there for us. He will never let us go. Now I need to start living this, and God knows how hard this is for me and maybe others who are reading this. If He said He would take care of a sparrow, why is it so hard for me to believe He will take care of me? How do you feel?

Frustration

Do you ever do something and then totally kick yourself afterward? I know I do that often, but today I really did it. I realized today how far I still have to go in my walk with Christ, as well as fostering charity and love towards others. I am trying to not let this depress me, but it is hard. I really feel like a jerk and hope that this person forgives me, but that is their choice. Why though, as humans, do we do something we know is wrong or not right in sight of God? No matter what it is. Murder, lying, stealing, gossip etc...You get the drift. This is a very perplexing question when you are trying so hard to walk the straight and narrow and screw up. Don't you agree?

Finally

I have not been sleeping well and last night I finally got a full nights sleep! Hallelujah! I have been walking around feeling like a zombie which is no fun.

A Whole New Life.

God has a funny way of directing your life sometimes. You're going along down the road of life and all of a sudden you are making a sudden left or right. This sudden change in direction gives you no other choice, but to grab a hold of him and hang on for dear life.
I am hanging on for dear life as we speak. God is the only thing in my life that is not going to change, and he gives me everything I need. I have found the Our Father particularly helpful during this time. If you say it and really think about the words it will bring you the peace you seek.
This is also my first blog!